Lynn Friedman, Ph.D. Craig Cola

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Balancing Work and Personal Life
Hosted by Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.
clinical psychologist and worklife consultant
Thursday, Feb. 7, 2002; 11 a.m. ET

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, in private practice in Bethesda, Maryland, who specializes in worklife and organizational consultation and psychotherapy. She provides individual consultation, leads worklife groups, and consults organizations on change management.

Disclaimer:
Lynn Friedman does not provide psychological or work-life advice to any specific individual. Rather, the content is intended to be for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any concerns regarding a psychological or worklife difficulty, seek professional evaluation. Do not disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of anything that you have read on this show.

The transcript follows below.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Washington DC: How can you approach your employer if you need to ask for time off from work--say, two hours once a week--for counseling/therapy? What's the best way to ask your boss keep this information confidential?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Good morning. I am Dr. Lynn Friedman, a clinical psychologist who specializes in work-life difficulties and organizational change. I devote about a third of my time consulting to organizations and bosses about how to build healthy organizations. The remainder, I devote to helping individuals who are striving to set and achieve their professional and personal goals. I look forward to answering any questions related to surviving and thriving in the work place.

This first question is an excellent one and near and dear to my heart. Many patients cope with it. Ideally, it is none of your bosses business where you are when you are not at work. In my work with bosses, I encourage them to have a "don't ask don't tell" policy vis a vis therapy and counseling.

My suggestion to you would be to start by being professional. Whether you need to leave for two hours at the same time every day for psychoanalysis or once or twice a week for psychotherapy, my approach would be the same. Approach your boss. Tell him that you love your job and that you love working with him (assuming this is true). But, that you have some unrelated goals that you would like to pursue, once a week or every day. Is it possible for you to work out a schedule where you do not have to be in the office between thus and such hours and where you, for example, come early or stay late? Don't offer any explanation. When the boss asks why, say that it is unrelated to anything having to do with work.

Feel free to write back and let me know if you think that this would work. Best of luck to you. And, right on for pursuing whatever personal help you want!

Washington DC: Hello Dr. Friedman

Is it necessarily a sign of disrespect if your boss occasionally asks you to do menial tasks like picking up/delivering mail from campus, or even asking you to function as a valet parking attendant for a difficult client who demands valet parking? I am asking because I really don't know how to respond to these requests, or whether I am being oversensitive. On one hand I want to appear as a team player who will do what it takes for the job. On the other hand, some of her requests are downright strange and I am not sure if it is appropriate for her to be asking me these things. Outside I am smiling and cooperative. But inside I am seething. The same goes for situations where I am contacting someone in the bureaucracy to do something and they tell me that they will take directions from a third party or my boss rather than take their directions from me. Is this a sign of disrespect? And how does one tactfully handle them without flying off the handle?

Thanks

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: I could give you a better answer if I had some idea about what your job is. Are you a secretary? A faculty member? Or, what? I guess the real thing to consider here is what these requests mean. Do others of similar rank get asked? Does everyone, including the boss, help out. Write back with some more specifics and I will try to be more helpful. Thanks.

Springfield:

I do not drive, and just found out my office is moving to Woodbridge in September . I would like to ask my boss if I could have a more flexible schedule so I
can start making appointments to interview(we are allowed to flex) However, a friend of mine (who's opinion I trust and value) said DO NOT tell her I'm
interviewing; what's to say she'll won't start looking for my replacement immediately, before I've even found a new job?(that HAS happened to me before)

However metro only runs to my current location during rush hour; it's not like I can leave in the middle of the day to interview. A cab to the nearest station is
15.00 dollars which get costly very quick.

I have to pick up my son at 6:00 so it's not like evening appointments are very flexible either? How do I remedy this?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Without knowing you or your boss, I don't know if you should tell him. What is the relationship like? Is the boss a great guy? Is the relationship marked by mutual respect? Would he like to help you to solve this problem? Or, would he be just as happy if you left? These are things to consider in deciding whether to share your plans with him.

Also, I don't know why you don't drive or whether you hate or love your job. If you love your job, and you can learn to drive that is something to consider, too. Of course, some people can not drive for medical reasons. If that is the case, you actually could talk with your boss about your situation and seek his advice. He might help you resolve the issue so that you could stay assuming that you wanted to do so.

Now, as for your desire to interview. Assuming that this is what you want to do, I would talk with the boss. I would say that you would like to alter your schedule -- consistent with the flextime policy. As I advised the therapy patient earlier, I would not get into the whys and wherefores. I would be very professional and ask him if there is anyway that you could work out this kind of change.

If you don't trust your boss, another possibility to consider is interviewing before or after work. In that way, you will not arouse suspicion and you can keep all options open. Best of luck to you.

Washington, D.C.: I supervise an employee who is dealing with illness in the family right now. I sympathize, but... He has recently started being snippy toward me. I realize this may be an effect of the stress he is under, but I still don't find it acceptable. How would you suggest I approach him?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: This is a great question. Do you have an Employee Assistance Program? If so, consider seeking their advice. If not, here are some thoughts.

Seek him out at a quiet moment in private and say something like, "I know that you are going through a difficult time right now. However, I feel that it is coming out in the work place. Specifically, I find that you are being short with whoever -- me -- your coworkers (name the people). Be armed with specific irrefutable examples and give three or four of them. That behavior is concerning. I am concerned that it could interfere with your work and the atmosphere. I want to know what I can do to help. I know that this isn't any easy situation for you. Do you need "flex time"? I want you to know that we have an EAP (if you do) and that they help a lot of people in similar situations". A number of our employees seek counseling in similar situations. I have no idea if that would be useful here, nor is it my place to suggest it, however, I want you to know if you did need time off to get some of these concerns met, I would be happy to work with you on it. However, the behavior has to stop".

Just one caveat. Check with HR, to make sure that this advice doesn't go over line or violate some law about what you are allowed to say to employees in your locale. Best of luck to you.

Feel free to write back to let me know whether you think that this would work.

Vienna, Va.: Hello, Dr. Friedman...what do you think?....Seems to me that there is too much emphasis today on helping people COPE with stress and TREATING people for it rather than doing what is necessary to ELIMINATE the CAUSES if stress. For example, a huge amount of stress comes simply from the fast-pace of life here in this area and the hassles of commuting, but instead of getting to the root of it by limiting growth and expanding the road system to handle the traffic here, we simply tell people go see the employee "assistance" program that will "help you deal" with it and "adjust" to it. This, in my opinion, is sheer nonsense...you don't fix problems by simply helping people "adjust" to them.....you have to do all you can to ELIMINATE them...and that is what we are NOT doing when we SHOULD be doing it.....in this case by getting ACTION to control growth
and the huge increases in population and traffic here every year. Another example is the stress that comes from employee work overload, often due to the fact that many organizations have a situation where the efficient productive people have to do both their jobs and those of who DON'T produce. Instead of just refusing to deal with the non-producers because of "political correctnesss", situations like these should be dealt with at the root of the problem....FIRE the non-producers and get NEW people who WILL produce instead of just telling the good employees that "there's nothing we can do about it". What do you think, Dr.? I say it is nonsense to ask people to "endure" stress that they should not have to put up with when the root of the problem is not being dealt with due to negligence. If this "just cope" attitude had been taken in physical medicine, we never would have had all of the marvelous vaccines we have today...we would just be telling people...."you just have to live" with polio, or cholera, or dysentery, or whatever.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: You hit a raw nerve with me. I moved back here a few years ago from a provincial city. I had been gone 30 years. I love it here but I don't love the traffic. Back then, they were going to solve the traffic by building a life saver, "the Beltway". Well the rest is history.

Yes. Reducing the stress is a good idea. You can do that by moving to a smaller place or finding a job with a shorter commute or learning to relax while driving or enjoying reading on the metro.

And, we should all work for better highways and byways. On the other hand, that doesn't help the individual at the moment.

As for the number of "incompetents" in the work place and how to deal with them, that will not be resolved over night. To begin with firing and hiring is time-consuming and costly in an organization. And, unless you are the CEO or a high-level manager, you don't have the power to do that.

So, I would recommend a bimodal approach. Working to improve the systemic factors that you cite while taking care of yourself. Best of luck to you.

Washington, DC: I am at a senior level and have a colleague at the same level. How do I deal with the fact that her hours do not remotely resemble mine (much more lax)? I am feeling resentful. Thanks.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Great question. The most common mistake that people make here is that they think that the colleague is their problem when in actuality the colleague is the bosses' problem. They resent the colleague because it is too dangerous to resent the boss. Plus they secretly enjoy the fact that their colleague is slothful because it makes them look good (after all they are only human). Still worse, they train their boss to dump the colleagues work on them -- because the boss knows that they will do it and do it well. Then, they can simultaneously look good and feel superior. The problem? After a while they start to feel resentful and they take it out on the colleague.

Here is what I would try to do. Focus on doing your job and doing it in superlative fashion. Have an idea about how many hours you feel you should work. This has nothing to do with what your colleague is doing, how many hours do you want to work? Work that number of hours and put your heart into it. When you are asked to do your colleagues work, tell your boss that you wish that you could help out but that you can't because you are utterly consumed with (name some task that you are working diligently on). Or, if it entails working late, say that you would love to, but you have commitments outside of the office tonight. Feel free to write back here or at the message boards to let me know if this advice is useful. Best of luck.

Washington, DC: I would think a boss would be more likely to let you take two hours a week for a medical appointment (which is what therapy technically is) than for some vague unspecified goals, which for all he knows could mean playing soccer while the rest of the staff is at work. Why not just say that you will be having a regular doctor's appointment each week?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: For a few reasons. First of all, people who go to therapy aren't entitled to extra time off. What they need and what would be most helpful is "flex-time". What they are doing during that time is really private. And, by the way, I think that playing soccer twice a week isn't a bad idea, either, as long as you are doing your job and working the expected number of hours. Somehow, some people think that going to therapy or picking ones' kids up from day care are more legit than working out or playing soccer.

The boss isn't a parent. He isn't the arbiter of how you spend your time. It is his job to see that you do your job well and that the office or work place is appropriately staffed. So, for example, if you therapy, radiation treatments, soccer game or child care situation means that the library desk is uncovered, that is untenable -- no matter what the reason. But, if you are doing research or writing, it may not matter when you do it as long as you do it.

I realize that the law provides some protections for those who are ill. But, my starting point would be a professional respectful relationship in which both employer and employee get their needs met.

Also, as for sharing the information that you are in therapy. That is private. You shouldn't have to share it. And, in some retrograde work places there still may be stigma.

Washington D.C.: What are some creative ways to increase a total compensation package without necessarily increasing base salary? I have a great
opportunity to work in a small business that is in sales and I don't know if they can afford me, but really want to take the job. I am in the process of talking
money but wanted to come to the table with alternative ways we can make up the difference. Any thoughts?

Thanks.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: If you write back and provide more details about the business, I can be more specific in my ideas. Here are some of my thoughts. If the business is sales driven focus on how you can effect the bottom-line. Consider negotiating part salary and part commission. Get things clarified up front. I would discourage you from entering in a situation where you are working for less than you are worth without a clearly articulated written plan about how you will be compensated when your work leads to increased revenues. Another thing to consider is a partial partnership or some way to share in the companies' profits. Best of luck to you.

Washington D.C.: I am interviewing for two job next week. I go to therapy every 2 weeks, and am trying to figure out how to tell them I will need a couple of hours off each time to go - I want to be up front. what is the harm in telling them the truth? I don't like your answer above because it sounds too odd - like something is fishy and mysterious with my personal goals - I think it will make folks make up their own ideas about what I do during this time - ideas that are far worse than the truth (that I have another job, have some frivolous thing I like to do, etc.) the organizations are nonprofits in health policy..

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: I see your point. Not knowing the organizations, I have no idea what the best policy is -- in some organizations, many people go to therapy and they are open about it. In others, sharing this sort of personal information is the "kiss of death". The problem is that you likely don't know how the information could be received.

These are very personal choices. One could choose to tell and decide that if that led to your not being hired, then you didn't want to work there anyhow. However, that runs the peril of cutting you out of an otherwise great job.

You are right my response could sound elusive. On the other hand, it seems to me that any employee has the right to try to negotiate the right hours for them for any reasons. Some people have early morning hobbies that they want to pursue. As an employer, particularly an employer who doesn't yet know the new employee, personally, I would rather focus on work product and work ethic -- not personal business.

There are a lot of people out there -- and, I am certain there is a lot of diversity of opinion on this. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

Washington D.C.: Hello Dr. Friedman

I asked the question earlier about my boss making strange requests. My position is "managing editor" of an academic journal. My boss is a professor who also co-edits the journal. We are a small operation with a full-time staff of just three people but we have students working for us part-time.

Thanks

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Oh my. I had a feeling that I would get a response like this. In universities, there can be a level of informality. However, it sounds to me like you need to appropriately and diplomatically establish your relationships to the boss and the people who call. People who call may incorrectly believe that they are talking to a secretary. One way around this is to sign all of your email correspondence with your title. If you don't have a title try to get one. If you can't just clarify your role in any email. For example, "as managing editor, I need for you to..."

When you answer your phone identify yourself by title, Mary Doe, Managing editor. A helpful book that I would read is, When I say "no" I feel guilty, by Manual Smith. This book will help you set appropriate limits in a non-hostile way.

If after reading that book, you are unable to improve the situation, consider going to your EAP or counseling center for assertiveness training. In that way, you will have a skill that can last for a lifetime. Best of luck to you. I am sorry that this is happening to you.

Fairfax, Va.: Hi Dr. Friedman. I enjoy your program. I have had trouble balancing work/life since my daughter was born (8 years ago). I have been a technical writer, a financial analyst, and for the last 4 or 5 years an applications programmer. I also have an MBA and a BS in journalism. I finally found the
perfect job - the company offers a 20 or 30 hour schedule for people who want to work part-time, the hours are flexible, and they give enough vacation to take off spring break, Christmas break, a 2 weeks in the summer, which is very generous.
The company has recently been taken over and they are phasing out the system I work on.
I can't decide whether to look for another job which would most likely be back to full-time (and the market is slooow right now...), stay here and try to learn something else (the benefits have changed somewhat), or go back into technical writing, which might be more flexible (but less $$$). Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you!

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Check out Peter Bowerman's, the Well-fed writer. He'll tell you how to make 100,000. a year doing technical writing. Best of luck to you.

Re: time off for therapy: Too many people discuss too much in the work place (or in school, for that matter). Then they are surprised if all this information affects them adversely. Having a running story about all your dates, for example, may make you a hit in the coffee room, or it may make you sound promiscuous. Telling all about your therapy can make you sound unstable, even if you are more stable than the people who don't know they have a problem. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Why do we have to be so old when we learn that lesson?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Amen. You're preaching to the choir, sister.

Somewhere, USA: Years ago in the early 70s I had a boss who routinely asked me to do personal favors like deposit his check in his bank on my lunch hour, pick up his suits from the dry cleaners, etc. It drove me crazy. Then one day he gave me some money and asked me to go out and select a birthday gift for his wife and have it gift wrapped. I bought the ugliest bell bottom pantsuit (green and pink plaid with a white lacy collar), had it wrapped and gave it to him. He never asked for favors again!

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Sounds like you cooked his goose!

Wahsington D.C.: Dr. Friedman, I hope you can respond to my question. Last year I was promoted to a senior position with a government agency. Though the pay is pretty good, the stress and demands from the job have left me little time or energy for my family. I have been struggling with this for some time and I am at my wit's end. My wife and I are starting to feel the strain of this situation. Are there any good books on balancing work and family that I could refer to.

Thanks

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: I don't know of any books offhand that will address this concern, though I am sure that there must be some.

If you are religious folks, you may want to see if your group has any workshops for couples. Also, consider some brief couples treatment. As someone who sees a lot of divorced and divorcing couples, I often lament the fact that they do not come to treatment at this early juncture. Best of luck to you.

Chicago: I am a telecommuter for a company that's
three states away. I love my work but I am
disliking my job, if that makes any sense.
I am finding that the company isn't really
supportive of telecommuters (I am the
only person in my kind of job doing it--and
I have "Senior" in my title). I'm getting left
out of meetings, don't have access to the
company intranet, etc. I've complained
about this before but the company is not
good at communicating or handling these
issues. I've only been working there 18
months and my boss and closest
colleagues are even newer than I am. (My
boss inherited my telecommuting and
had no say in my work setup.)
What's the best way to bring up these
problems without sounding petty and
without having them call my
telecommuting arrangement into
question? Moving isn't an option and
neither is finding another job in my
industry. This is the most prestigious
company in my field and it -could- be a
great place. It just isn't right now!

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: This is a complicated situation one for which you should seriously consider career coaching. Why? Because the new boss may be conveying to you that she isn't thrilled with the set-up. Exclusion may be a way of sending you message. Your task, to establish your value to your coworkers. It sounds like you potentially have a lot to lose here. I would encourage you to strategize with a career coach or work-life counselor. Best of luck to you.

Re: Vienna, Va.: My way of dealing with stress is to make my life as simple and as true to my needs and wants as possible. I'm in the process of searching for a new career that is conducive to my life goals which are: to make a living working for a cause I believe in, living within my financial means, listening to my own needs and wants vs. those of my friends and family. (By family I mean brothers and sisters. I'm single and have no kids.)and living in an area that is pleasant and low-stress. I have lived in New York City and moved out because I didn't want a hectic lifestyle. It doesn't reflect me as a person and I don't want to belong to the "rat race". The financial rewards of it aren't rewarding to me.

My two cents

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Amen, here.

Fairfax, Va.: Vienna brought up an excellent point about dealing with the causes of stress instead of just coping with it. One of your answers, I'm afraid, just illustrates the nature of this problem. You say....."hiring and firing is a long, drawn-out process, and you don't have to authority to do so". Well, that itself is one of the problems.....it SHOULD NOT be a problem, but it is....so instead of just saying it is a stress problem, why not work to eliminate this problem by making it much easier to fire incompetent workers and hire good ones? I think that what Vienna was trying to point out is that what we need to do is to FIRE the employees anyway instead of just saying it can't be done....it CAN be done if people put their minds to it and get cracking....even if laws need to be changed.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: You have a lot of directives that people should "get cracking" on. My thought: if this is an area that interests you, you may want to consider becoming politically involved. Best of luck to you.

Washington, DC: I've been looking for a job for almost 2 months and I've sent out more than 100 resumes. I didn't get any responses at all. I am getting frustrated and I am thinking about either going back to school full time or starting my own online business selling brand name accessories. Any suggestions on where to get the funds for my education or my business?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: I would encourage you to seek out and join and work-life group. Alternatively, you may want to seek (probably free) career counseling from your college. If it is far away, they may help you by phone.

Sending at resumes, is typically an ineffective job search strategy (as you have no doubt surmised). The most effective strategies are carefully articulating your career goals (exactly what are you seeking) and then networking to make contacts. My favorite books on this are: What Color is Your Parachute by Richard Bolles and Wishcraft by Barbara Sher. Best of luck to you. Feel free to write back to me at the message boards.

Silver Spring, Md.: I have to agree with Vienna's contention that many of here in this area have to put up with stressful events that we have little or no control over, but that we SHOULD have control over. Of course, you can't stop a hurricane or tornado from hitting the area...only God can do that.....but yes, indeed....local and state governments here have been grossly irresponsible in creating this mess we live in here. And yes, there is no excuse for many of the stresses endured at the workplace, especially when they can be dealt with by laying off your dead wood.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: One way to address this is the political venue. Best of luck to you.

Springfield, Va.: My one year review is coming up in May. I don't want to look a gifted horse in the mouth but I will mostly likely receive anywhere from a 4-6% raise. Should
I wait until I have received my raise to interview?
I can then at least at the prospective new employer to match than to fight the whole salary issue.

My only concern about waiting is that even though I am admin where there are always some jobs, I'm afraid there won't be enough jobs this year especially
since May is the time college students will be graduating and there are a lot of people unemployed.

Suggestions?

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: I would do two things. First, start keeping a log of all of the great things that you are doing for the company. Let the boss know about them, periodically through emails, or discretely bring them up when they are relevant -- Before it's time to negotiate the raise, sit down with the boss, outline your contribution and ask for a raise. Read Jack Chapman's how to make a 1000.00 dollars a minute. It will change your entire outlook.

Also, look for another job, not to negotiate. I don't think that that's the most effective way to go about it. Just to see what your options are and what is out there. Best of luck to you.

Washington D.C.: Any suggestions ? I want to find a job in communications/marketing in a large organization- I am mid-career but am a "Program
Coordinator" at a nonprofit- which doesn't exactly fit- I have a cum laude English degree- any tips on how to get into such a position from a slightly different
spot? I cannot afford to go totally entry level.

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.: Good news. You don't need to go entry level. A few thoughts: start doing as many writing/marketing tasks as you can at your current job. If your bosses are friendly, negotiate a new job title or a second job title that reflects this work. If you can't do that, volunteer to do writing/marketing for your professional association. Write for their newsletter and/or work with their outreach efforts. Tell all of the people that you meet that you are in the marketing communication field and that you are seeking a job doing that.

Join marketing/communications organizations. Join their listservs (get the digest version). Lurk, but after you know the lay of the land, begin to give helpful advice. Sign your emails with a tagline that reflects your interests. Feel free to write to me at the message boards if you have more questions.

We have to stop for today. You have been a wonderful audience. I regret that I received more questions then I can answer. Feel free to write to me here at the message boards.
Best wishes for a great week!

Lynn Friedman, Ph.D.
http://www.drlynnfriedman.com
Clinical Psychologist and Work-life consultant
(301) 656-9650

Jobs:

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