What sort of developmental changes will you witness during your child's
Middle School years? When I talk with parents, at PTA meetings, they often
tell me, "I wish that I would have known that these behaviors are all a
normal part of adolescence".
"How would it have made things different for you?" I ask.
"I would have relaxed."
Perhaps. However, adolescence can be a challenging and exciting time for
both parents and children. Essentially, what these parents have wished
that they would have known is: "What is adolescence? How should we respond
to it? (How) will we (ever) survive it?"
What is adolescence?
The middle school years are a time of major changes: cognitive, physical and
emotional. Cognitively, your children's capacities for critical-analytical
thinking are being developed more fully. Increasingly, youngsters are able
to articulate their own ideas and opinions. In the school arena, not only
are they thinking more independently, they are beginning to assume increased
responsibility for organizing and completing their own school work.
Sixth graders may enter a new environment in which they are expected to
organize their work. Although the experience of mastering this task
ultimately enhances self-esteem, many sixth grade students can initially
feel overwhelmed by it. Students vary greatly with respect to the amount of
guidance, support and structure they may require from their parents and
their teachers in this regard. A challenging task for parents and teachers
who are involved with adolescents is attempting to understand the meaning of
the child's struggles.
For example, often a child's difficulty getting
organized, focused and responding to increased academic demands is not a
reflection of any cognitive deficit. In fact, in very bright children,
there is often a gap between their intellectual and emotional readiness.
Disorganization, particularly with regard to school tasks that might be more
important to the parent than they are to the child, may be the child's way
of letting the adults in their world know: "Really, I am a bit overwhelmed.
Or: "I am not quite ready for all of this independence. I need a bit more
support."
Or, "I am beginning to set my own agenda and to establish my own
goals -- and, they may not reflect the goals that the adults have
articulated for me. I am beginning to become my own person."
Children vary widely. One youngster may be able to attend to homework and
school-related tasks without any parental supervision whereas another might
need to be supervised at the kitchen under the parent's watchful eye.
Physically, your children's bodies are changing. Adolescents are becoming
increasingly concerned with how they appear to others. You should not be
surprised when your child, whether a boy or girl, spends hours "checking
himself/herself out" in front of the mirror. Nor should you be surprised when
your child is distressed by, what he or she construes, as imperfections in
his or her appearance, even though these "imperfections" are not observable
to the naked eye. These pre-adolescents are beginning to develop an
emerging sense of their sexuality, and they have many questions about it
though they are not always comfortable asking them.
Emotionally, your children are working hard to become increasingly
independent of you and of the other adults in their lives -- they are trying
to develop a sense of their own identity. Efforts at separating from parents
can create tension even within the strongest of family units. To wit, it is
not uncommon for parents who formerly characterized their child as
good-natured and friendly to note that the youngster has become increasingly
irritable and argumentative. If you are a Democrat, your child loudly
professes that he is a Republican. If you are a Republican; he is a
Democrat.
Parents note that one minute their child behaves independently;
he would rather die than admit that he has parents, let alone that he needs
them. The next minute he wants his parent's opinions and reassurance. Or
as one parent put it, "Between the ages of 2 and 5 parents worry about their
children's behavior. Between the ages of 12-15, children worry about their
parent's behavior."
Don't be surprised when your child begs you to give a
ride to friends, but then demands that you remain silent while you drive,
lest you do something embarrassing (like breathing).
As disconcerting as these acts of self-assertion may be, they are all
healthy signs of the emergence of adolescence. That is, they are signs that
your child is striving to grow up, to become more independent, and to begin
to think about and plan for the future. At times, when it feels that you
are being challenged at every turn, you may wish that your child would revert
to his/her former, easy-going state. It can be hard to remember that their
challenges to you and to your parental authority may be a very positive
(albeit not necessarily very pleasant) sign that adolescence is progressing
nicely.
Anyone knowledgeable about child development will tell you that adolescence
is both an exciting and difficult time for the adolescent. Any parent who
has survived their child's adolescence (and, although it may be hard to
believe, there are millions of them!) will tell you that a child's
adolescence can be both a difficult and an exciting time for parents. Here
you were feeling like a good person and a good parent. You were pleased
with the job you were doing as a parent (after all your child seemed to be
an amiable, nice, person), and suddenly you find yourself being criticized
by that heretofore amiable, nice child. To say the least, this can be
disconcerting! On the other hand, you observe that at the same time your
child is becoming increasingly independent, more adult-like and more able
to take responsibility for his/her actions.<.p>
Part and parcel with your child's efforts to begin to separate from you is
your child's efforts to be "one of the crowd." Being accepted by one's
peers makes the separation process somewhat easier. Peers can provide
helpful support during this challenging time. Moreover, friendships provide
opportunities for your child to become exposed to a broader range of people
and values.
Another aspect of becoming more independent and achieving a
healthy separation from one's parents entails developing and testing one's
own views and ideas. Your child is asking the questions of self-definition:
"Who am I? Who do I want to become? What are my values? How are my values
similar to or different from those of my parents and other members of my
community?"
For this reason, you may notice that your child's horizons have expanded
beyond the school and home to the broader community. Your child has become more
interested in volunteerism and politics.
Strategies for surviving your child's adolescence
There is no easy answer to this question, but parents have found some
suggestions to be helpful.
Over the years, in my role as a consulting psychologist to independent
schools, it has been a pleasure to observe the transition as youngsters
progress from the beginning of sixth grade, when they are most concerned
with fitting in, performing academically and athletically, and perhaps more
importantly to them, with being "one of the crowd" to the end of the eighth
grade, when they leave the middle school years with a more fully defined
sense of their own personal values and their personal talents and goals,
whether academic or athletic, interpersonal, emotional or
community-oriented.
Interested in teaching without certification? Read this Washington Post column
Teaching without certification This column is published on the Washington Post interactive site
More of Dr. Lynn Friedman's columns
Teaching in the Independent School without Living in a state of Penury: Establishing a Lucrative Side Business
Obtaining an Adjunct University Faculty Position while teaching in an Independent School
The Developmental Milestones of the Middle School Years
Write Dr. Lynn Friedman